The World and the Way it Works

December 13, 2008 - 6:52 PM

I have just received a text message from my best friend. She and I have been friends since we met at the age of 5, but in the last two years, we have found it hard to find common ground on which to base our aging friendship.

Growing up, she and I spent every summer together, which was quite the feat given that she was from a small town that is about an hour and a half away from Portland. During the school year, she and I would always manage to see each other at least every two weekends. We were inseparable; all of our thoughts, wants, and decisions were aligned. As we grew and learned more about the world and the ways it works, she and I somehow always landed on the same conclusion, whether or not we talked about it before we decided.

It was like something you read about in a book. She was there for all of the hard things that I had the misfortune of experiencing while I was growing up. She held my hand as I cried after boys called me fat. She and I held each other while we watched our mother lose her mind. She was my sister, and my best friend; my soul mate. We needed each other. Her family life wasn't very happy either. Her father, who was deaf, never genuinely cared for her, which allowed my family to be her home for so much of our childhood.

When I went to inpatient drug treatment, I had no idea what was going to become of my best friend. She and I had gotten into a lot of trouble together, and I didn't know if I was going to be able to see her again. Eventually, I graduated the program and was sent home. My dad understood the relationship that my friend and I had, and he allowed me to slowly begin to contact her to see if she was in a place in her life that would allow us to maintain our friendship as well as our sobrieties.

By some will of a higher power, she was. She had moved away from her dad's house to Seattle with her grandmother. She had gotten a job at a hotel and was looking forward to starting community college in the near future.
Finally, we got to see each other again. At first it was strange. Being in such different places for two and a half years made for a bit of a culture shock. But pretty soon, we were back to our old selves, laughing like there was no tomorrow, talking until the wee hours and our eyes were so tired they were bloodshot.

We went to the east coast, my mom's in Long Beach WA., Seattle, and Portland together. I met my boyfriend while she was visiting me, and that first year after I graduated the program was a beautiful time. We had so much fun just being us again.

But now we are estranged. Neither of us has time to visit the other anymore. Both of us have boyfriends that we adore, jobs that demand our attention, and schoolwork to accomplish. It is very hard to live my daily life without her. We have spent our whole lives in somewhat of a long distance relationship, during the week at least. But we have had conflicts of values now that we are growing into young adults, and we have found it hard to see eye-to-eye.

Every day I wish that I could call her and tell her about all of the things that I wish she was fighting through with me. When we were growing up, it was she and I against the world. If I was fighting, so was she. If she needed me to support her, I was there in no time with a fire in my eyes and a clench in my fist.

Maybe it is good for me to learn to support myself emotionally and have my own back for once. But without my mom's sanity, and sometimes without my dad's emotional support, I feel awfully alone. Not having her is like not having that person on the inside who listens to the voice that is always talking in my head.

Friendships have changed now that I am in college. Girlfriends are not the same as they used to be. I suppose it is probably good because overall people are way less codependent. Everyone has their major, their job, their boyfriend, their internships, you name it, they've got it. And friendships are more of an afterthought. I'll confess that my boyfriend is my best friend nowadays, which creates an alliance that I don't share with my girlfriends.

For me, this is hard because I am so used to having very tight relationships like the ones in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Sex in the City. Maybe someday there will be a shift for my best friend and me. Maybe we need to have our independence right now, but I pray that it isn't over between us. She represents so much of who I was while I was growing up; I don't want to lose that, nor do I want to lose her.