It's Snowing in Portland!

December 17, 2008 - 10:59 AM

It's snowing in Portland! Snow hardly ever falls in Portland. I remember growing up and praying at our living room window for the snow to fall. Snow feels magical no matter how old you are. My dad drives a Toyota Tundra, (fitting non?) and he can't wait to get up in the morning to brave the elements and conquer the adverse conditions.

I really like seeing these little parts of my dad's personality. He really is fascinating. Hearing him tell stories about his life, and watching him go through his everyday life is so wonderful for me. Much of my ambitions come from watching and hearing him talk about his life.

When he drives me around in the snow, I wonder how I am going to drive myself around when he no longer can. There are some things in college that you can't learn in a classroom. Who taught my dad to maneuver the truck in the snow and ice? I don't think anyone did. But if that is the case, then he must have just developed the skill, which makes me nervous because I question my own ability to do the same.

When do I get to grow into someone who can fend for herself in all situations? Does that exist? Can it happen for a woman? Well, now that is a loaded question because almost everyone nowadays says that women can do anything a man can do. But not all women can drive a truck in the ice and snow and live to tell the tale. Not every woman can back a boat trailer into the water, unhitch the boat, secure it and so on. Not all women can do all of the things that men can do. Some can; I'm sure, but not all.

Then again, not all men can do those things either. And I am sure that some women are much more adept at "masculine" undertakings than some men are. But again and again I hear that it is a man's world. Business is a man's game, even though women can be good, or even better than some men. But in the business game, men still come out with more credibility and a higher paycheck.

Not being able to do all of the things that my dad and boyfriend can do scares me sometimes. I feel stupid, weak and vulnerable when I think of the things that my dad has been doing for me forever.

The snow makes everything feel like it is at a stand-still. It is as if people can take their time wherever they need to go, and they might just put off their projects until a more suitable time. It also makes me feel not as rushed, not so pressed for time to figure everything out. I guess I might be scared that when I am 25 I will be way behind where I am supposed to be.

My dad always tells me that worrying about the things that I do is not productive because they are all things that are out of my control at this point in time. He tells me to trust the flow of things and cross these bridges when I come to them. Yes, this advice is absolutely correct. But turning off the need to fret is practically impossible. Sometimes, when I am in a very centered, "OM" place, I can allow myself to relax. But with the economy the way it is and with all of the things that I am trying to accomplish, these OM-oments are hard to come by.

Sometimes I think that if I am thin enough or work hard enough, I will find a place where I feel comfortable. But I always feel as if I am swimming upstream, but my destination is always unclear.