MONSTER JAM!!!

Trafton B.

March 27, 2011 - 6:13 PM

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! IT'S THE MONSTER JAM AT MATTHEW KNIGHT ARENA. COME SEE ALL THE RADDEST MONSTER TRUCKS THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN, INCLUDING............GRAVE DIGGER!!!

That was my attempt to write the transcript for the commercials we've been hearing all week long. This afternoon our dreams were finally answered as Ross, Winston, Dana, and I went to the Advance AutoParts Monster Jam. All I can say is that it was everything we could have hoped for and more, but I should also specify that we really weren't expecting too much. Not to mention, we really had absolutely no idea what to expect from a monster car rally. I guess you could say this was a learning experience for all of us.

First lesson: bring earplugs. The moment we sat down in our seats they started the wheelie competition, which was nothing more than a monster truck revving its engine and flying over the pile of junkyard cars. I distinctly remember sitting down, hearing the engines, and immediately standing up to go look for earplugs. Thankfully, Ross new the guy working at guest services so we didn't have to sacrifice our hearing. Apparently he'd already given out four hundred pairs before us. Not surprised.

Second lesson: monster jam rallies are more like shows than competitions. After the wheelie competition they had a few quad races. Supposedly this was a team race between Team Oregon and Team Washington, but there wasn't really a ‘team' or a ‘race' aspect to it. The two racers at the front of the pack dueled around track for maybe five laps while the remaining eight racers behind them were irrelevant. Team Oregon crossed the finish line first and then all the quads zoomed out of the arena except for the winner who apparently won the privilege to discuss his heroine victory with the short, portly announcer. I don't quite remember what his speech was about, but I assure you it was not Oscar-worthy.

The next event was the monster truck races, which were no more complicated than the other events. There's only so much a monster truck can do inside a 12,000-seat basketball arena. The racetrack was a straight shot across the stage; first one over the cars wins. Each race lasted an average of five seconds.

The first heat showcased the reigning champion, Grave Digger, against the challenger, Captain USA. Grave Digger won without much contest. The second heat saw King Krunch win over El Matador, which set the stage for the finals. Once again, Grave Digger prevailed to defend his crown over King Krunch. I hope that you're sensing a distinct lack of enthusiasm in my descriptions because these races were pretty hokey. Thankfully, the several hundred eight-year-old children in the audience didn't know the difference, and they went bonkers for Grave Digger.

Now, I was obviously prepared to see monster trucks and I'd even figured on seeing some quad or motorcycle races. The next act on the other hand caught me completely off-guard. I mean, who could really expect to see a mechanical, car-eating dinosaur? Not me. At least not until I witnessed the awesome metal-crushing power of Megasauraus.

Megasaurus is literally a three story tall robotic dinosaur on wheels that served one purpose and one purpose only. It could lift any car with its two robotic arms, hoist it up to it's mouth and chomp it until the car was completely demolished. It was a slow process. Hold the car up. Take a bite. Lower the car. Shake the metal out of its teeth. Repeat. There were some added effects like burping and breathing fire and shaking its head at the crowd. The whole ordeal took about twenty minutes and it ended with the junker car splitting in half and falling out of Megasaurus' arms.

 

What was even more ridiculous was the narrative of Megasaurus' birth. If I could transcribe the entire history, I would because the writing is absolutely flawless. It was something along the lines of "Megasaurus is one of a species of gigantic man-eating creatures that evidently evolved from the Jurassic era that laid dormant for thousands of years. Somehow they were revived on a small island where native scientist theorized that this rebirth was triggered by atomic radiation and bombing..." There's probably a Megasaurus website somewhere. If you have a spare moment, I insist that you check it out. You won't be disappointed, I promise.

 

After Megasaurus was finished, the portly announcer let the crowd out for intermission so the crew could clean up the mess and prepare for the second act. He also made a point to tell all the children in the crowd to visit the Monster Jam concession stands where they could purchase memorabilia for all their favorite monster trucks and drivers. Excellent marketing.

I wish I could tell you exactly what happened in the second half of the program, but we decided that McMennamin's happy hour sounded more enticing and left. From what I heard there was a freestyle competition and a few more quad races. Sounds titillating. All in all, I can now say that I've been to a Monster Jam in my life, which is exactly what I was hoping for. 

 

Photographs courtesy of Dana Gordon.