Why can't time speed up and slow down at the same time?

Lynae N.

November 29, 2009 - 10:28 PM

I am so glad that this term is coming to a close. Somehow in these past two weeks time has seemed to slow down to a crawl. I don't know if I can attribute this to the work load of the term and the internal dread I've carried with me regarding a very complicated paper I've been working on this term or if my wanting-to-be-pregnant-impatience is getting the better of me again. Either way, time has been going so slow.

But time has also been flying by. When I think about how soon this paper is due time feels imminent and short. (Thank be to God I am done writing my firs draft and need only to go back through and polish it up between now and Friday.) The fact it is not turned in however feels stifling and time is playing a cruel trick on me. Time is cruel when I think about graduate school too. It isn't possible that I have been in my program for a year and a half, and it's even less possible that in six months I will be done with school. I don't know what I'm going to do! I don't know how long it will be before I go into a doctoral program and the though of being done is so sad. For this, I am grateful for projects like crazy hard papers to force time to slow down, but I hate them for the panicked quick feel they give time simultaneously.

I remember feeling very anxious about going into the CFT program at the UO. Time played this same game on me and I loved and hated my summer of rest before starting classes. I also remember praying about this feeling and God showing me that my experience was like a rollercoaster. It would be up and down, twist and turn, and there were two ways I could react: I could scream the whole way, or I could throw my hands up in the air and say, "Weeeeeeee!". I have had my screaming days but I am very pleased to say I've had more consistently chosen the latter option. The ride has been trilling so far and as I'm coming closer and closer to graduation I want to scream again.

If only I could manage how time feels. I can organize it, prioritize, and section it out, but it is ultimately in control. I only play with time but it seems to know how to break the rules of my game. I wish I could speed up the slowness and slow down the speediness. Oh to be able to fast-forward and rewind and freeze time. It sounds good, but something tells me that life like this would be boring and that I wouldn't really appreciate it the way I assume I would. So for now I will recommit to throwing my hands back up in the air and stop trying to fight the ride. I will enjoy it instead and stop trying to control time's game. So for now, I will rest, have fun, and wish that things would stay as they are and wish they would change drastically with the announcement of a baby on the way.
I love and appreciate life. I am so grateful and thankful for this experience. I might complain from time to time, but I know deep down I wouldn't want it any other way.