The Return of Supermom

Lynae N.

October 25, 2009 - 5:08 PM

There really isn't enough of me to go around. This is funny to think about because life has been relatively low in stress and I am finding myself about 3 weeks ahead in school. I have to stop and remember that getting sick a couple weeks ago was instrumental in my ability to get ahead in my school work. I also have Mondays to do homework. My Mondays are brilliant! It just so happened to work in my schedule that I don't have any classes, internship, or meetings. Brian however, does have classes and internship so he's not around to distract me. He also has the car so I have no chance to escape the house if I decide there are more interesting things to do than homework. But what makes Monday's the best for homework is the fact Shaelene has school and then goes to an afterschool program and isn't home until almost 6:00. This gives me the entire day without having to be distracted by a husband and a little girl.

It's when they are home that I am having problems having enough of me to go around. This is especially true with Shaelene. Since I am Shae's step-mom there is a whole set of challenges that come with a need for me to be very present and continue to develop that relationship with her that is 5 years younger than Brian's. And I am happy to say that Shae and I do have a very good relationship. She is the best daughter I ever could have asked for, but she unfortunately carries around a lot of drama and weight that no little girl should be responsible to hold. This burden is solely the product of life events and the choices certain family members made without asking or considering the effect they would have on her. Shae has been living with Brian and me full time for almost two full years now and we are left to help her process and learn how to communicate and express her emotions in a healthy way.

This is a full time job in itself and it is hard to see her have to struggle with pain beyond her years and understanding. This has been even more difficult lately as we have transitioned into a new routine where Shae gets to have more contact with her Mom. Shae's Mom is a neat person, however she doesn't live close and the distance breaks my little girl's heart. But the good news is Shae does get to see her more, the bad news is I don't know how to help Shae best when the more frequent visits are bringing up floods of emotions that can't ever fully settle and give Shae any rest. The results of this have come out in weird attitudes and issues that aren't like Shae. So I have had to transform into Supermom the second she is home and I am not able to put all of the energy and focus into this that I want to. I really love school but it will be nice to have the homework and all of the extra time consuming activities gone so I can focus more time and energy into a little girl who desperately needs a Mommy. Don't get me wrong, I do pour myself into being Shae's Mom. I feel this is an honor and I take it very seriously. I don't know if I'll ever feel I am doing enough, but it would be nice to have more creative energy to spend on her.

Oh, and just to close on a completely different note, I relapsed on an apple cider doughnut this weekend. I will have to go in to class on Friday and tell my classmates what happened. I had never seen an apple cider doughnut before and while I just took enough to try a taste, I did technically eat sugar. It wasn't good of me but it tasted so good!