The Class that made Me want to Cry

Lynae N.

February 7, 2010 - 6:36 PM

I am proud to say that even with the stress of the Couples and Family Therapy program and all of the emotions I encounter on a daily basis in the clinic, I am one of the few students in my cohort who has not cried in front of a professor. This is not to say that crying is a bad thing. On the contrary, I have gone through my journey of loosing my ability to cry and gaining it back as many of us have. I rather enjoy releasing all of the frustration, hurt, or whatever intense emotion it happens to be, through tears. But I haven't felt the need to do so in class. I almost did this week.

It was my practicum class and instead of doing our normal discussions about clients and watching my fellow therapists in action, we had a guest speaker come in to talk to us about the connection between the mind and the body. I was hoping to learn about how we carry emotions in our bodies (e.g. stress manifesting in back problems or ulcers) and learn interventions to use with clients to work at the distress from another angle.

In walked a nice gentleman who dripped with the feel of this unique town from the top of his organic, natural dyed hat the bottom of his multi-colored shoe laced converse shoes. He was very nice, passionate, and eager to bring all of the knowledge he brought to share. I don't know if it's the same way for you, but there are just certain people or places or even objects which make me feel VERY uncomfortable. This nice man walked in, sat down, and immediately I could feel every muscle in my face, chest, arms, and legs tighten up. Breathing became difficult and I had the intense feeling to leave the room. I couldn't do this and I then wanted to cry. I kept my composure and as I breathed a prayer under my breath, I tried to listen and be attentive to what he had to say.

I was really hoping to hear about his experience working with clients and what worked for him in doing therapeutic work by focusing on the physical. The problem was, he had no information about clients in any form other than some book referrals and tips for as therapists regarding our attitude and acceptance of the client's state "in the now". I suddenly understood my discomfort when he proceeded to share for two hours about some "mindfulness teachers" whose philosophies he'd adopted into his life. I am certainly respectful of other ideologies and philosophies of life, but I am very cautious to not receive teachings that affected me the way his did. But there I was, unable to leave and unable to express my discomfort. I was so tense I could feel my muscles, including all the muscles in my face, start to cramp. I started to fidget with my coffee mug. It was empty, but no one else knew that. Being able to divert my attention in this small group of 8 people to my pretend tea, was my saving grace in that moment.

I had resigned to just being present and tolerating what I was hearing and count the minutes as they passed. I did not want to engage and was content to listen. This wasn't going to be the case though. Without fail, whenever this speaker had a question to pose, he posed it to me! Every time! I started to become so flustered I couldn't think of a clear answer, my face was flushing, and I could hear my voice start to get shaky. My body was defying me in that moment and blew my cool cover. It was ironic that I wanted to learn about the way emotional experiences manifest physically, and my body was clearly putting me out there in a vulnerable way in the middle of class.

When all was said and done, I survived this experience. I left the room at the end of class and I have never been so relieved to have a class over. I could breath and I felt all of the tension release from my body. I made it back to my house and curled up in my husband's safe arms and told him all about my experience. Thank God for Brian! It's been almost a week now and I am wondering if there's going to be a time in our next class to debrief this experience. I am hoping both that we will and that we won't. I don't want to come across wrong but I want to also have the space to share what was that whole class was like for me. I guess I'll see on Tuesday.