Tension Rising

Lynae N.

March 7, 2010 - 9:43 PM

I am a stereotypical female when it comes to talking about problems. If there is something going on that is bothering me, I want to talk about it and feel heard. My husband, acting like a stereotypical male, wants to come in and fix it for me. I react to his attempts to reassure me that everything will be fine by increasing the emotion behind what I'm saying to make sure he really gets it. This sounds negative to him and he gets frustrated by my negativity and the fact it feels like I am shooting down his ideas. I become more anxious and we both distance ourselves until the issue comes up again. Then that anxiety comes back and we just add another layer to our frustration. This cycle lasts until whatever issue is solved or goes away on its own.

Luckily, this has only happened twice before in our relationship. The first was regarding finishing up and mailing out our wedding invitations and the second was around my difficulties finding work the summer before I entered grad school. Well, it's happening again. I'm looking ahead to the end of the program in just one short term and know I have a job search to do. I am one who definitely overstresses things that haven't happened yet, and I can feel myself getting sucked into that place again. I am stressed about finding a job. I am nervous to not be in school anymore, after all, I have gone straight from preschool through grad school without a break in between. My identity is connected to being a student. I am confident as a student because I do well and have a certain level of expertise in the whole process. I feel like I am graduating from the top only to go back to the bottom in a new arena. I keep thinking about Finding Nemo with all of the fish he shares a tank with in the dentists office. All they want is to get out of the tank and into the ocean. They work hard, scheme, and plot plan after plan. These fish work so hard and finally make it to their destination, each in their own individual plastic baggies. The scene ends with all the bags floating up and down in the seemingly endless waters of the ocen and one fish looks at the others and says, "Now what?".

There is so much focus on getting done with school and moving out into the ‘real world'. Now what? I am so nervous! I don't want to go through the same cycle with my husband that I have before with this type of dilemma. I'm glad that he and I aren't ones to yell or put each other down in any way. But going to bed knowing there is a wad of tension there around this touchy issue is like having a giant pink elephant between us. This, you can imagine, is not pleasant. I have to laugh because this fear of my process is only adding more stress to my overloaded mind. Bagh! This is silly and pointless.

I'm not accomplishing anything by worrying. I have several challenges for myself in this situation that I'm coming to in my mind as I write this. The first is to just breath. The second is to make time to take time alone with God and ask Him what I should do. I'm learning how important it is to act out of a place of peace and confidence and not out of pressure, impulse, fear, or any other state of being. I'm learning how important it is to s l o w d o w n. That's another challenge. I also want to be focused on being more positive with Brian and not turning to him with my concerns and anxieties. It doesn't do anything but give him anxiety and increase my own. I need to run it all out of my system, literally. I am inexpressibly grateful for the weather becoming nicer. I would be a mess without my runs.

I have complete faith that this will all work out. It always does. Often, it is miraculous and I know that I can turn to my list of "anti-anxiety meds". Here are a few excerpts from what I consider to be my medications.

"When I said ‘my foot is slipping!' Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul". Psalms 94:18-19

"Anxiety in the heart of a man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lore, and whose hope is in the Lord, for he shall be like a tree planted by the waters which spreads out its roots by the river and will not fear when heat comes, but its leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will it cease from yielding fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

"If you are then not able to do the least, when are your anxious for the rest? And do not seek what you should eat or drink, not have an anxious mind. But seek the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you." Luke 12:26, 29, 31