Spring Break?

Lynae N.

March 28, 2010 - 8:45 PM

I was so intent on having a break this week and I have no idea how, but somewhere between the weekend at the in-laws and today I am utterly exhausted and living off of less sleep than I do during my ‘normal' routine. Perhaps I just tried to pack too many things into too short of a time. Like usual, I filled my week with a lot of big events; a surprise day for my husband (which went fabulously), a date day, reading, deep cleaning, cooking a large meal for almost 100 people, volunteered in children's church, ran a home group, visited my parents twice and with Brian's mom and dad each once, and managed to squeeze some girl time in the mix also. I had a ton of fun but, like I said, I am utterly exhausted both physically and mentally.

This is not necessarily how I want to start out my last term of graduate school. Things are what they are though and I'm sure the anxiety I am feeling about finishing school and all of the many many tasks I have to complete in a short 10 weeks played a major role in my busyness. I tend to distract myself if I am stressed, doing doing doing to the point of crashing. Then I try to sleep and have very strange anxious dreams that aren't rejuvenating in the least. I end up waking up more often and unwillingly getting up earlier than I need to. I can't believe I used to live my life this way on a regular basis. I am not pleased to find myself in this position, especially after promising myself I would relax, but I am comforted to know that my present state feels abnormal and uncomfortable when it used to be my life. Thank God it's not anymore!

So I need to get back on track, to refocus. Tomorrow morning I have a dreaded meeting that I have to participate in. My role in this meeting is not fun, in fact, while ethically the right thing to do; it is the hardest thing I have done to date. With this in mind and the background stress of this term, no wonder my week wasn't a break. All week the mention of Monday has tied my stomach in knots and brought panicked tears to my eyes. I am both thankful and nervous that Monday is tomorrow. I can hardly wait to walk out of that meeting and feel the tense bricks fall from my shoulders and maybe, just maybe, I can spend the rest of the day having the break I missed all week. It is so funny; I can tell you step by step how this process will go. Tonight I'm going to stay up too late watching a movie when I need the sleep because I know I won't sleep until my body protests and I can't physically keep my eyes open. I will have weird dreams and wake up probably two or three times. There is no doubt I will find myself up by 6:00 when my meeting isn't until 8:30. I will vacillate between peace and sudden onsets of panic until I have to leave. When I arrive for my meeting, I'll be early and I will be scared. But I will leave that scared girl in the car and walk out with a strong posture, professionally dressed, cool and calm on the outside with a torrent on the inside. The benefit to a background in theater is the ability to play a part, even when scared. Most likely, no one there will know what's going on for me.

Once the meeting is over, I will be able to deal with it. The second I am in my car and out of sight the dam will break and the tears will flood down. I have to pick my husband up from a class after my meeting and will show up crying. We will head home and Brian will listen to my woes and tuck me in for a nap. The chances are I will sleep for hours and wake up feeling better and more rested than I have all week. If I can make it through until then, I will be fine. I am glad for a distracting and fun break but I am even more looking forward to a bit of rest.