Sad Memories

Lynae N.

November 1, 2009 - 8:57 PM

Addiction is a cruel thing. It has affected my family and has taken from us in tragic ways. I know this is not uncommon for many of us, and I cannot think of one person I know who is not touched by the controlling grip of a substance or habit that just can't be walked away from. With this being such a pervasive issue, it is amazing we only have one ten week class on it as masters level students. There is an endless sea of research and information on addictions and I want to get my hands on all of it.

I am in such a "funny" place regarding addictions. On one hand, I completely geek out over it. I have years of volunteer experience working with addictions through Celebrate Recovery International, through learning from the experiences of my husband, through working a 12 step program for food addiction, and through countless other personal connections. In addition, I have a strong interest professionally in addictions work. I have done a breadth of research around certain types of addiction, from looking at pornography addiction in the development of pedophilia in adult males to individual and familial therapeutic model integrations for working with binge eating disorder (BED) as an addiction. I am also planning on going on for a doctoral degree at some point in the future, preferably not until having babies, and would love to conduct research and contribute to literature in the therapeutic field regarding addictions. Specifically, I am interested in food addiction and am fascinated at the connections to the body's response to food and how it mirrors the body's response to alcohol and opiates. I might even consider posting a section of my latest paper regarding this topic in a future post for anyone who might be interested.

But I didn't start writing this blog to focus on my positive passion, but to share with you a bit of my pain. I guess pain is a part of passion. You see, a few months ago my cousin Beto was killed in a car accident when his wife was driving under the influence of Methamphetamine; Beto did not have any substances in his system. He left behind two beautiful little girls, one of whom is severely autistic. This is the ugly truth of addictions and it hurts. It was sudden and so shocking. I don't know if it's possible to get over the shock of the loss of a life, especially a young life taken so senselessly. I have worked through the immediate grief, but I have found that I have certain triggers. Well, in my addictions class on Friday two weeks ago we watched a documentary about ER visits due to addictions. In the documentary a young man, age 26, was brought in and died in the hospital after a traffic accident. I could feel my chest tighten up and a panic arise in me. I felt trapped and my heart was pounding out of my chest. All I could think about was Beto. I wanted to jump up and run out of the room, but I couldn't bring myself to draw that much attention to myself. I managed to work through the emotion of the moment and debriefed it with my husband after class.

What stood out to me in that experience is how fresh and raw pain and grief can be, even months later. I am so drawn to understand addiction and all of the dynamics surrounding it, both internally and in the relationships around "the addict". I dive into this knowing the pain is real, and that just makes me more passionate. There has to be some way to work with addictions in an effective way. There has to be a way to reach people before they end up in a situation where they have to live with the pain of knowing they accidentally killed their husband because they couldn't stop poisoning their body. If only I could stop it all. I know this isn't possible, but I hope that what I can do makes a difference and I hope that by contributing to research that I can push the field forward so others smarter than me can continue to build more momentum in the field.