More Musings

Lynae N.

October 18, 2009 - 8:42 PM

This is the third day of my sugar "detox" for my addictions class and I am hanging in there. I have always known that I want to snack on sweets more in the evening and evenings have been more difficult than the rest of my days. I think this is so for two reasons; first, I am so used to running around busy all day that I don't know what to do with down time and fill it with food, and two, I have a relationship with sugar and use it as a sedative in the way someone else might use alcohol. It's a very easy way to get my body to relax at the end of the day and get ready for snuggling up for the night. I don't like the effects of this though and am glad that I have this opportunity to refocus myself on my goals for a healthy life style. I am sure I will quickly find healthier ways to unwind, but until then the evenings are feeling a bit void. Especially tonight; my family went to a birthday party for one of our friend's sons. Of course the menu held the promise of multiple decadent goodies that I couldn't indulge in. But you know, it felt really good to not have the soda, cake, ice cream, and sweet yams and was hit with the realization with just how much sugar I was eating. Before this project started, I'm sure by the end of the night I would have had a bit of every one of those sugary treats and would have been glazed over.

It was really helpful that I was able to hold a cute baby boy at the party. I love babies and have spent the past year in baby envy, but envy is lately giving away to hope and joy at the realization I only have 8 more months until graduation. With only 8 months left, this means that I can get pregnant at any time and not have to worry about juggling a baby with classes and internships. I get so excited when I think about this and I guess you could say my husband and I are officially "trying" to get pregnant now. I'm finding myself getting distracted when I'm trying to do homework looking at baby names online and doodling pictures of myself with a big pregnant belly. I daydream about waddling up and down the stairs at my house and trying to manage driving when I have to sit so close to the steering wheel with my short legs! I can't say for sure, but I bet I'll be one of those cute pregnant women who LOVES being pregnant. I think it is an easy way to tell you've got baby-fever when the thought of having morning sickness is exciting. Here's hoping I can experience this and all of the other joys of pregnancy sooner rather than later.

I've also been thinking more about EMDR training. I am really struggling with the thought of spending so much money on a training that I can't be positive I will love or use on a regular basis. This is especially true now that I am determined to see my family grow. I can't help but think if I spend 5 grand on a trauma training that I might forfeit my ability to pay for diapers, a crib, and baby clothes here in the next year. My husband Brian is not as convinced as I am to not pursue the training. He knows one of the two therapists in Eugene that is certified and uses EMDR in their practice. He doesn't want me to make a final decision before I've had a chance to speak with her and hear more about using EMDR. I know he is right but I have a hard time waiting on this. I just want to know one way or another and free up some head space because God knows there is a shortage! Well, I guess I will just have to wait longer before I decide what to do. Now that I think about it, I will probably read a book or two on EMDR also to make sure I want to make such a huge investment.

Well, I guess EMDR, a desperate desire to be pregnant, and the sugar assignment are the major additions to my thought life lately. Life is pretty unchanged from my daily routine in other areas. My classes are going well and I am somehow managing to get farther and farther ahead of where I need to be. I don't quite know how I am managing to do this, but I am so grateful for it because my stress level is so low as a result. The lack of stress makes it so much easer for me to enjoy classes. I am getting to be with my family and have scheduled in time to exercise. And with that, I guess all I can say is life is good.