Marriage Maintenance

Lynae N.

January 24, 2010 - 9:42 PM

Brian and I have been married now for two and a half years. They have been fantastic so far. I know a lot of married couples go through a lot of difficulty in the transition between single life and sharing space with another person all day every day. I can say that this transition has been remarkably smooth for us. I'm not saying that things have been perfect, and yes we've even had issues regarding the most cliché marital issue; what is the right way to put the toilet paper roll on the dispenser. But given that I have been in school the entire length of our dating, engagement, and marriage thus far, and given that we've had an interesting journey adapting to having our daughter full time and all of the messy blended family situations that happen, we have had a truly amazing and blessed relationship.

It is so easy with us both being so busy with school to just let our marriage roll in the smoothness of our routine. There is nothing in our marriage pressing for our attention and that has been a huge help while we both plug along the way that we are. However, there is something to be said for being intentional about our relationship rather than just letting it happen.

Knowing this, we signed up for a marriage conference at our church. This wasn't a time of bells and whistles or pumping up the relationship in a sort of artificial high that can happen at conferences. It was a time of hearing the basics again, to drink deep of wisdom and to remember to do the things we do on purpose. I walked away from this weekend with a few more nuggets imbedded deep into my thinking about marriage and how I will conduct myself in my relationship, as did Brian.

I was reminded that there is an order and leadership in a marriage relationship. Part of Brian's job in our marriage is to provide an atmosphere of peace where I feel safe to be vulnerable. My response to that should be to honor and appreciate his efforts to do so and to let him take the blows that come from outside of the relationship to make that space safe for me. With that, there is a sense that I need to allow Brian to grow in this and to not tell him how to do it (because of course I know how to do it best). Brian is so good about accepting my influence and vice versa. This is a good thing because it shows the trust we have for each other. What really struck me this weekend is understanding the power of my influence, I need to be sure that my input needs to be given before I give it. I know Brian will listen and comply with my voice, but I am not always right and I need to remember that some things are for him to learn and grow in his own way.

I was also reminded to keep pursuing intimacy. There is a difference between the physical acts of closeness that we think of as intimacy and a deeper, more intimate, connection. The time demands on our schedules make intimacy difficult because it takes energy, focus, and intentionality to create it. But it is so important. We have a golden opportunity right now to learn how to do this, again, on purpose now when things are going well. It will be a lot easier to face storms and difficulties with a foundation of intimacy set than trying to create one in a tumultuous time when there is no reserve of excess to draw from. Right now we can be making that foundation and creating that excess to sustain us as we continue to grow and get to know each other in life.

Finally, I was also reminded that I can't take Brian for granted and he can't take me for granted. We are each remarkable gifts to each other and not only did we desire each other enough to get married, but we also need each other. I need Brian. He needs me. How can I know this and take him for granted? Marriage is such a normal part of life and it can feel so routine. Routine becomes comfortable and comfort can breed apathy. An apathetic marriage reeks of unappreciation and of taking each other for granted. I pray this won't be the case in my marriage, or in yours. While this is a busy time in life and a hard time to be thinking about focusing on one more thing, I feel above school, work, and even other close relationships, my marriage is important. So here again I will try to live on purpose and do continued maintenance rather than waiting until we need to do some repairs.