Examinations

Lynae N.

December 13, 2009 - 10:21 PM

I recently had my end-of-the-term evaluation with my Professor who overlooks my work as a therapist in the clinic. It is always interesting to sit down and get such direct feedback from someone and it is a very encouraging experience. I'm finding more and more as I continue on in school, that examinations take more of this one-on-one type of direct exchange rather than traditional exam formats one can study for.

I was able to share my thoughts about the possibility of teaching after graduation, to which my professor agreed would be a fantastic fit. I was thrilled at her enthusiasm and she even offered me an opportunity to guest teach other students in the first year of the couples and family therapy program. This was flattering, humbling, and really intimidating all at the same time. It is one thing to consider teaching undergraduate level classes to students and it is a completely different thing to teach important core concepts of the program to a class of fellow students whose seats I was sitting in only a year ago. I will mull this over and let my professor know here soon my final decision, but in the moment my immediate reaction was no. It feels so big but I trust that I will be able to do a fine job.

 The other benefit I see in taking this opportunity relates to the subject matter I would be teaching. I am required, along with all in my program, to adopt a main model of therapy to work from. I have had an awkward and unsatisfying relationship with the model I have chosen and have wrestled hard trying to figure out how I fit the model and how it fits me. With so much discord I cannot imagine how teaching the model would go. But I can see how this would really serve to solidify the core information in my mind as the best way to learn is to teach. With this extra solid grounding, I am sure I would be able to think through the intricacies while I prepare to teach. I don't even remember the initial draw I had or why I felt this model was the best over other choices.

That's funny to think about. As I reflect back on my current struggles, the conversation sounds like a serious relationship talk in my mind. I'm basically at a point of saying, "Well model, I don't even remember why I liked you in the first place, but here I am trying to have a relationship with you and I don't like how I have to always be the one in charge. The things you are asking me to do I feel are scary and vulnerable and I don't know if I trust you enough to do them. If only you were more like the models my friends have, they all seem to have good relationships going and here I am stuck with you. I need to step back and figure out where I am at in this relationship and if it can be salvaged or if I need to break off this relationship and find another."

I have been in the throws of this battle for quite some time now and my examination showed it. I am coming to the end of my program and it is not enough to have an idea or to be on shaky ground with my model, and while supportive, my professor let me know that my model should really be solid by the end of this upcoming term at the latest and that I would need to work very hard at trying to figure this all out. I hate that. There are certain things that I have a hard time thinking about because I have decided they haven't suited me well in the past. The way I am sorting through models seems in a way like sorting through religious doctrine. Because of my own journey in religion, I have a very strong foundation and feel free to operate out of my understanding, however, my understanding is very much a feeling and stance that I cannot articulate in the wording of rules and regulations. I'm being asked to basically take on a model in the same way I would religious beliefs. They are to inform my practice, the way I view clients, the way I see change, what role I play in the lives of my client, whose responsibility change is etc. I have to take this foundation and show how and why it fits me, how I do it in the room, and how and why it is a valid stance to take. And now I'm being asked to teach it in less than two months as well.

This all seems way over my head. I know I can do this if I have to, but it is a process that I can feel a lot of internal resistance against. This is my biggest challenge I received in this terms examinations and I am hopeful that it will be the biggest of the program. I've got a lot of work to do and am feeling a very real pressure to be making more deliberate progress in this relationship.