June 6, 2010 - 8:53 PM
I can't believe I've been writing for a whole academic year. So much has changed and is continuing to change even as I type. I am thinking back across my blogs and am haunted by my discussions about my faith and really believing that God will give me a baby right now. . . I talked about my certainty of being pregnant and sharing that experience with you all before I was done with blogging. I've shifted in my understanding since my overly ambitious writing and want to share a bit with you about where I am now with my desire to have a baby and my faith that God will move in my life to make that happen for me.
Just as a refresher, I've wanted to have a baby for a very long time now it seems. I've wanted a baby badly and my desire has brought me to tears on more than one occasion. Then God started talking to me about having a son. He talked with my husband and with strangers even who came up to us and said a familiar line in my life. . . "I don't know why I'm telling you this but I feel God is telling me to share with you that . . .". Time and time again we heard "you are going to have a son". Oh I was, and am, so very excited about this!
But I made a mistake. I took that message in my heart and thought that in order to have faith I needed to speak it out and almost prove that I believed it. I wanted a baby so badly I didn't stop and think or ask if this was how I was supposed to handle the situation. Instead I plowed ahead and waited believing (more like trying to force) I'd be pregnant. Every month I waited and every month was more and more crushed when I wasn't. I finally couldn't take it anymore and had a heart to hart with God. This is the point when I recognized my mistake and stopped my ignorant pressing and asked God how to press Him the way He wanted me to.
So the result of this readjustment is a stronger faith, one that is rooted in peace and a trust that God will be faithful simply because it's His nature and not because of any display of faith on my part. I look at the timing and all of the stresses of this past term, the changes in my life and in my family and I am glad that I didn't get my way when I wanted it. Of course I would have been nothing but pleased, but one thing I know is God's timing has always been perfect in my life and I don't want to impose my impatience and mess anything up for myself.
This may be a strange blog for some of you but I did want to be sure to set the record straight as I wrap up my time with you all. Thank you all for sharing in this journey with me.
June 6, 2010 - 8:26 PM
Oh my goodness! I can't even begin to tell you how chaotic this weekend was for me and my husband. It was our daughter's 10th birthday and we planned a party at the park with her friends and their families from her new school. We really wanted to get to know everyone better and establish relationships strong enough for Shae to have a fun summer full of friends and sleepovers etc. In our brilliance, we decided that it would be fun to invite all 10 girls from Shae's class over to our house for a sleepover after the party. All said and done, there were 6 of them who came and our house turned into a den of sugared up preteen girls with an agenda to run rampant.
I learned so much this weekend watching these girls and their social processes. I talked about this with Brian and it seems like every social process and interaction that happens for adults happens for these girls only everything is sped up 10x's over adult interactions. Every little issue that becomes a misunderstanding becomes tears, taking sides, a stand off to see who will be the first one to move towards the other (admitting defeat), they are met with silliness, and suddenly they are best friends again. All of this could happen within a 15 to 20 minute time span. Multiply this by all the combinations that can possibly happen with 6 girls and add in a sugar induced craze and that was my world. Dizzy!
But all in all I am glad we made the decision to have them all over. I got a chance to know the girls and their families better as planned and despite their way of working out issues, all of the girls remained friends and had a blast together. Shae had a fun birthday and my husband and I got very hard earned naps.
I wrote about my interaction with the 8 teenage bridesmaids this past weekend, and now the 6 girls this weekend. It has been amazing to find myself still standing after all of this! If I had to rate them, I'd choose the bridesmaids over the girls for that long of a time period for one reason; they listen better.The good news is I grew as a parent. I survived the two weekends and have a slower week free of classes with just a few clients to see and finishing up my paperwork for the process of transferring my cases over. Then the weekend again. . . and this one is all about me and my accomplishments over the past two years and that will be a nice change of pace.
May 31, 2010 - 10:31 PM
It just hit me in a new way that I only have ONE MORE WEEK OF CLASSES left before I am officially a UO alumni with my Masters Degree, can you believe it?!?! Well, maybe you can but it feels utterly bizarre to me. A good bizarre though.
With the shifting from papers, deadlines, and academic stresses to fun plans for weddings, birthdays, and BBQ's for the summer I am noticing my optimism and spunky personality coming back. My husband is happy to see me up in the mornings with a smile on my face and a quit wit comment or two for us to laugh about as we're getting ready to head out for our busy days.
I juts finished my final paper which means the school work part of my education is done. I have three classes left to go. My human sexuality in counseling class is tomorrow morning and I've heard we're getting out early (most likely). That's fantastic! My class tomorrow night is starting an hour late and it's a dinner hosted at my supervisor's house. She's cooking us all a salmon dinner, how generous of her! Then for my class on Friday I have to sit through three hours of five minute presentations and a wrap-up of my time at the UO. Throw in one more week of counseling sessions to help orient my match to the clinic and help her become familiar with her soon-to-be clients and a round of summary sessions and goodbyes with clients during finals week and I am 100% done.
Done with school and on to the "real world" so they say. I'm hoping to transition quickly into that real world and have been applying for various counseling positions as they come up. I have an interview in a week and found a few more positions advertised today that I am going to apply for and hopefully get interviews with. I like the idea of having a variety of options and I can only hope that I am blessed enough to have my choice at multiple counseling agencies here in town. I guess we'll see what happens. The good news is I am not worried about it too much. I know I am qualified, I am confident, and I am full of fresh enthusiasm and if I wait for a few weeks or a few months for the right fit to come along, then I'll only get more time in the sun, going for runs, and gardening with my daughter. That doesn't sound too tough at all.
May 23, 2010 - 6:39 PM
I love cats more than 99% of the population, I am sure of it. They are puurfect with their soft fur, cuddle-lovins, and their playful personalities. I know where all of the friendly kitties in my neighborhood live and I go visit them often as one way I take care of myself. My husband and I have been in a long discussion with our landlord about having an outside cat (my husband is allergic so an inside cat wouldn't work anyway) but he isn't favorable in the least. He wants to charge us a very large deposit even with the cat being outside. This has been a very sad experience for me and I've had to be careful to not fall in love with a little ball of fur.
Well I failed at my attempt to stay away from kitties. I was looking for jobs on craigslist and started clicking on different links. I'm always intrigued with the random items posted in the free category; toilets, roosters, beds, dirt, grandma's trees, and KITTIES! I looked at the picture of the cute little bundles of perfection and like an addict, couldn't stop myself from clicking on pets afterwards and looking at ALL of the kitties. Of course I found some that I fell in love with.
So that night when I came home, I pulled up one of my favorite cats; he was a bit older, gray and white, and looked as soft as a bunny. I wrote out a note that said "I fell in love" and put it against the computer screen for my husband to find. He did find it and came to me and we talked about the possibility of getting a cat this summer. I have the best husband in the world, I've said it before and I will say it a million times over again. One of the qualifiers he has that earns him this title is to notice my love of cats and show a true willingness to get one despite his allergies and the unreasonable demands of our landlord.
Brian is going to talk with our landlord and as graduation approaches, so does my opportunity to get a kitty. This is the best way I can imagine starting off the summer, especially since I am putting applications out into the job hunting abyss and haven't had a job materialize yet. No school will be a shock and a major adjustment and a beautiful kitten is the best way I can imagine redirecting my attention and focus for awhile . . . since I don't have a baby yet, but that's another blog.
May 23, 2010 - 6:04 PM
The countdown is feeling more real than ever and as I'm watching graduation approach, time is beginning to slow down. I am sad to see the friendships go but I am suddenly very tired and just want to lie around the house and recuperate. It is incredible how much my body has gone through in these past two years and how able I was to push through with what I needed. I am just a blink away from the end and the exhaustion from the marathon is hitting me hard.
I am sssooooooo close but it still feel so far. I only have two weeks left of classes, which means only 4 days of sitting in actual classrooms. Classes are three hours each but they feel much longer now. All of the reading and class topics seem like busy work or irrelevant at this point in the game. Homework too. I have two more papers to write that I'd hoped to finish up weeks ago because I had a sneaky suspicion my term would start to go the way it is now. I tell you what, it is like pulling teeth to try and sit down and write these papers! Just like classes and readings, they feel like busy work. I am trying to keep a positive focus but I can feel the grumpy negative symptoms of senioritis creeping in and taking hold. This is making the end of my race feel like I'm running through ankle deep wet tar. I am going very slow and am fighting a lot of resistance to move forward.
I think a lot of this has to do with the fact I just went through the process of writing a nearly 100 page paper and made a 45 minute defense presentation in order to graduate. Praise God everything went perfect and I passed with flying colors. The problem is, every other assignment and academic responsibility seems like busy work in comparison.
Thankfully, the one exception is my time with clients. True, I am noticing some lack of motivation to go into session sometimes, but I am always fully present and feel like I am doing good work. I have 17 more relational hours to do before I meet the graduation requirements and it is a miracle that I'm going to get those hours! Two months ago I had 60 direct relational hours to get and only 2 relational cases. I was certain I would have to stay at the UO through the summer and pay for another term of supervision. Once I realized this was the case, I panicked and had some serious conversations with God about it. Within days, I had relational cases pouring in and I'm going to make it! Yay!
Now if only I could pull some of that enthusiasm and apply it to my papers, my life would be a lot easier right now.