Home in Colorado

Katie D.

August 12, 2011 - 1:17 PM

According to my original travel plans, I would have left San Jose, Costa Rica, on Wednesday for another two weeks in Honduras. Instead, I returned to Colorado.

I have many reasons for this decision. Part of me can't help but feel that I am running away, and giving up. At the end of previous trips and adventures, I have always been begging the cosmos for more time. Now, here I am: home early.

But I tallied the pros and cons of leaving, and the only real reason to stay was this stubborn, sneaky feeling that I didn't want to leave early-that I didn't want to give up. But then I looked again at the lists, and saw that this wasn't a defeat or a surrender, it was simply seeing the reality and making the logical decision. And thank goodness I was able to come home.

I have never had such a difficult summer. If I am honest with myself, my time in Honduras was the most difficult six weeks of my life. It was wonderful in many ways, and has been a deeply meaningful time. But if I allow myself to write the truth here, I have been deeply unhappy during this time. I have accomplished fabulous research, and am proud of my work with my internship. From an academic standpoint, I have learned more in the past month in El Progreso and with the Caravan through Mexico than I have ever before: it has been a humbling, inspiring, and astounding experience. In many ways, I have returned home a different person than when I left.

But I have also felt deeply isolated, and overwhelmed by the pain that surrounded me in Honduras. I spent most of every single day talking with people, and although I made friends, I rarely heard good news or felt actual happiness. I felt satisfaction, curiosity, compassion, and strong friendship. I experienced a great deal of kindness. But I was not happy, and was not in community. I now know that I cannot live constantly in an isolated state of discovery, if all discovery includes pain.

Besides these emotional reasons to return home early, I also have a wealth of practical reasons. The most compelling are that I can actually participate in my Honduras internship better from home, where I have consistent internet access, easy phone communication with US organizations and my Honduran coworkers, and the flexibility to work within my own rhythms. Likewise, my research now requires organizing, interpretation, and deepening. To do this, I need to be able to listen to my interviews and take extensive notes, and to talk with UO professors and advisers. All of this was extremely difficult in Honduras.

I also have to begin the slow process of replacing the items I lost to the robbery in Nicaragua. I spent hours yesterday replacing my cell phone, and will need to do the same with my computer, driver's license, wardrobe, and a variety of small but essential items.

Finally, returning home has already given me time to begin processing my summer. I have a lot of writing to do, both in a personal and a formal way. I need to spend time with my little sister, who returns to college on Monday. I haven't spent this much time at home in over a year, and I suddenly crave the space and emotional release it allows.

So, readers, greetings from Colorado! Please be happy for me, and wish me luck in my re-entry.

It is so good to be home.