Plans Change

Caitlin H.

February 12, 2010 - 12:46 PM

I've been struggling this week. I have tried to tell myself I'm a dedicated student, but at times I've felt like a failure. Which I know comes as shocking news after being admitted to a graduate school. I've been telling myself all term I would find a way to catch up.

Eventually, I had to face reality.

After starting the term with mono and strep, I fell behind in my classes. I've done a great job catching up in three of my courses, but my fourth online course...eluded me. I convinced myself that as long as I stayed positive eventually I would find the time to get back on track with that class too.

When I was initially diagnosed with mono I was sent to meet with an academic advisor to discuss withdrawal procedures in the event I needed a break to facilitate getting healthy. At the time I thought it was ridiculous; I would find a way to make it through the term. This was the LAST one. I would make it happen. Sunday is the last day to withdraw from classes, and I had to finally decide: Was I ever going to catch up in that fourth class? Or should I withdraw and finish my degree in the spring?

At the point I realized I needed to finally face this question and stop pretending it wasn't an issue I was stressed to new limits and in tears. How would I know the right decision to make? I had never been so behind in school, and I had never felt so helpless in a class. When in doubt, call Mom and Dad. That was step one.

After talking the decision through with my family, I concluded that the best thing I could do for myself was to withdraw from the class and lighten the workload. In what was supposed to be my last term at the University of Oregon, I withdrew from a course that I needed to graduate. Now what do I do? I still had all sorts of questions, like what to do about my application to graduate for winter term and who to talk to next. Without a doubt, this was the most lost and directionless I have ever felt in my time at Oregon.

Once the decision was made I accepted there was nothing more I could do for the night and would need to seek help in the morning. Of course, my academic advisor was booked for the next week. I made an appointment but followed up with an email explaining the situation in case I needed to be talking to someone more urgently. I was sent to talk to the Registrar's Office. With little discussion or sympathy, my application to graduate was yanked, not just pulled, but jerked from the system. It felt so abrupt and impersonal. I felt the need to explain myself, justify my reasons for not being able to finish up this term...but I gather this probably isn't as big of deal as it feels to me. The Registrar's Office was professional, but I felt like I needed to let someone know why I couldn't do it, or else I was just a failure. Then I realized what was done was done, and it was time to refocus and find some positives in this mess.

Plans change. Sometimes, life throws something at you that you weren't expecting and you have to adapt. This isn't the end of the world. And this won't be the biggest thing to happen to me this year, even if it has drastically changed my plans.

I'm going to need to take a class in the spring to finish my geography degree. At first this felt like a disappointment, but it turns out, the two classes I have to choose from in the spring are exactly the kind of subjects I'm looking at specializing in at graduate school. I'm more excited about these courses than I was for the subject I dropped anyway!

Since I'm going to be around in the spring, I have started taking steps to become a youth soccer coach for a local league. Coaching soccer combines a handful of my passions, and I'm excited about becoming more involved in the community. This is also a good thing.

As a student, I'm eligible to apply for more jobs in the spring that have caught my interest.

I've always loved Eugene in the spring, and my friends are excited I'm not only staying but still going to be around campus at least a few days a week.

These are all things I can't find disappointing.

I'm convinced life usually works out the way it does for a reason. I hadn't planned on enrolling in the spring, but now that I need another class I'm going to enjoy an incredibly light load and make the most of it. I'm going to revisit some of my goals, and look for ways to reintroduce old hobbies and interests into my life that have slipped away because I've been so narrowly focused on school.

So there you have it. I planned to graduate this term, and now I can't. And you know what, it is going to be all right. I am going to be all right.